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THE
LANGUAGE OF NINETEENTH CENTURY ETIQUETTE BOOKS
To
summarize the basic reason for polite behavior in any time period
or situation:
| “The
true aim of politeness, is to make those with whom you associate
as well satisfied with themselves as possible. ...it does
whatever it can to accommodate their feelings and wishes
in social intercourse.” |
On Introductions:
“On
introduction in a room, a married lady generally offers
her hand, and a young lady not. In a ballroom, where an
introduction is to dancing, not friendship, you never shake
hands -- only a bow. It may perhaps be laid down, that the
more public the place of introduction, the less hand-shaking
takes place."
All quotations are from Civil War Etiquette:
Martine’s Handbook and Vulgarisms in Conversation.
(see bibliography) |
BASIC
SOCIAL RULES FOR GENTLEMEN
ALWAYS
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Wear
gloves on the street, in church & other formal occasions,
except when eating or drinking
-White or cream colored gloves for evening
-Gray or other darker colors for day wear
Stand
up when a lady enters a room (or your presence in a large
room)
Stand up when a lady stands
Offer
a lady your seat if no others are available
Assist
a lady with her chair when she sits down or stands, especially
when at a table or when the chairs are small and light
Retrieve
dropped items for a lady
Open
doors for a lady
Help
a lady with her coat, cloak, shawl, etc.
Offer
to bring a lady refreshments if they are available
Offer
your arm to escort a lady (with whom you are acquainted)
into or out of a building or a room at all social events,
and whenever walking on uneven ground
Remove
your hat when entering a building
Lift
your hat to a lady when she greets you in public (Merely
touching the brim or a slight "tip" of the hat
was very rude)
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NEVER
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Refer
to another person by their first name in public
Curse or discuss "impolite" subjects when ladies
are present
Leave
a lady you know unattended, except with permission
Use
tobacco in any form when ladies are present
Greet
a lady in public unless she acknowledges you first (see
"Always" #12)
Eat
or drink while wearing gloves
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BASIC
SOCIAL RULES FOR LADIES
ALWAYS
Graciously
accept gentlemanly offers of assistance
Wear gloves on the street, at church & other formal
occasions, except when eating or drinking |
NEVER
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Refer
to another adult by his or her first name in public
Grab your hoops or lift your skirts higher than is absolutely
necessary to go up stairs
Lift
your skirts up onto a chair or stool, etc.
Sit
with your legs crossed (except at the ankles if necessary
for comfort or habit)
Lift
your skirts up onto the seat of your chair when sitting
down (Wait for, or if necessary, ask for assistance when
sitting down at a table or on a small light chair)
Speak
in a loud, coarse voice
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BALLROOM SPECIFICS
REQUESTING DANCES
Gentlemen,
it's an honor! Request it as such
Ladies, never refuse one gentleman and accept another for
the same dance, unless it was previously promised |
ON
THE DANCE FLOOR
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Gentlemen,
lead the lady on and off the dance floor
Bow and curtsey before starting to dance
Gentlemen,
always thank the lady for the honor of dancing with her
Ladies,
a smile and a nod are sufficient responses to a gentleman's
"Thank you"
Never
dance with the same partner more than once or, at most,
twice in an evening, especially with your spouse
Gentlemen,
when at a dance you are expected to dance, and dance frequently,
leaving no "wall-flowers" who are willing, and
waiting to dance
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DINING ROOM SPECIFICS
ARRIVALS & SEATING ARRANGEMENTS
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Be
punctual for all dinner engagements. Food may not be served
before all guests are seated
The host leads the guests into dine with the senior lady
(in age or social standing) on his left arm. All other
gentlemen follow with a compatible lady on their left
arms. The hostess takes the left arm of the senior male
guest and enters last
Gentlemen
seat the lady they are escorting to their left. All gentlemen
remain standing until all ladies are seated
Married
couples are never seated together (They are together enough
otherwise)
Ladies
remove their gloves when they are seated. Gentlemen remove
theirs just before seating themselves (gloves were often
placed in tail coat pockets - See Social Rules for Gentlemen
re gloves)
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DINING
AND DEPARTURE
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The
gentlemen are to tend to the needs of the lady on their
left, as well as make agreeable conversation with ladies
to either side and across the table (size of table permitting)
A lady never serves herself from a buffet line. She informs
her dinner partner of her wishes and he brings her plate
to her
Basic
rules of polite dinner manners apply then as now regarding
use of table ware, personal habits, use of table ware,
etc.
Some
interesting bits of advice for the era:
-Gentlemen
may tuck his napkin into his collar to prevent soiling
his shirt or tie, but ladies should place their napkin
in their laps
-Do not use your knife to carry food to your mouth or
put your knife into your mouth
-Do
not rinse your mouth out and spit into the finger bowls
or water glass
-Do
not gorge yourself excessively during any one course.
Never ask for seconds as all other diners must wait until
you are finished before being served the next course
-Opinions
varied regarding ladies’ withdrawal to the drawing
room after the meal while the men indulge in port, cigars
and masculine conversation. Follow the lead of the host
and hostess
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SELECTED
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Aldrich, Elizabeth, From the Ballroom to Hell: Grace and
Folly in Nineteen-Century Dance, Northwestern University
Press, Evanston, Ill, 1991.
Chesterfield’s
Complete Rules of Etiquette, Dick & Fitzgerald, New
York, 1860. (available in facsimile format)
Civil
War Etiquette: Martine’s Handbook and Vulgarisms in Conversation,
R.L. Shep, Mendicino, CA, 1988. (Handbook originally published
in 1866, and Vulgarisms in 1864.)
Hilgrow,
Thomas, Hilgrow’s Call Book and Dancing Master,
DaCapo Press, Inc. New York, (originally published in 1864.)
Kasson,
John F., Rudeness & Civility: Manners in Nineteenth-Century
Urban America, Hill and Wang (div. of Farrar Straus and
Giroux), New York, 1990.
(Other
sources were original etiquette books in the presenter’s
personal collection.)
Checklist
Copyright: Glenna Jo Christen 1999-2002.
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